The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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