yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
