Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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