Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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