There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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