There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
