On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You took a bar mat shot.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
