Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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