i permit you to call me
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
