I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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