There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
the liver wants what the liver wants
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
