We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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