He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
This is the high leading the old right now
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
