Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
