Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
