Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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