remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
