last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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