why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
