Where did you get a picture of my penis
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have grass duct taped all over my body
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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