Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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