you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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