I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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