im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
