My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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