my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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