3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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