I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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