Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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