dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
