Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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