I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
