i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
