I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
God I need to hump something, right now.
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