The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
