i think my tv is drunk
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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