Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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