Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
