his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
