I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize