Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
3 2 1 whiskey
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
