Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
