Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
