Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
