There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
