Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize