I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
