he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
