I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
