There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
