Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize