something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
