I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
