so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
