If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
