One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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