i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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